7.5/10: BMW M760i (2017–2022). When they start playing you off, but you have more to say so you start yelling.
The M760i scores higher because its excess arrives after the original war is over. Every now and then, a car comes along that makes you ask “why?” so many times that the question collapses in on itself, forming a singularity where logic simply ceases to operate. Enter the BMW M760i, a sedan that scoffs at fiscal restraint, ecological doom, and any pretense of good sense. From 1987’s E32 750iL through 2022, BMW kept building V12 sedans while rivals withdrew, retreated, or repositioned their twelve-cylinder flagships as chauffeur-grade artifacts. When the party was over, BMW was left behind to lock up. Instead, it set off fireworks in the empty hall just to see whether anyone was still watching.
Beneath the hood sits the N74B66TU, a 6.6-liter twin-turbocharged V12 shared with the first two generations of the Rolls-Royce Ghost but pressed into service here with more Bavarian swagger. Tuned to 601 horsepower, nearly fifteen percent more than the already-ridiculous F02 760Li, the M760i could launch its two-and-a-half-ton body from zero to sixty in 3.4 seconds. This is the kind of performance that, not so long ago, belonged to hypercars, now delivered through several layers of soundproofing and leather. Mercedes’ own V12 sendoff, the S65 AMG Final Edition, brought 621 horsepower and 738 lb-ft of torque to the fight, but without the BMW’s all-wheel drive, it needed 4.1 seconds to do the same trick.
The absurdity continues once the acceleration-induced giggles subside. BMW, not content with mere opulence, decided the back seat should be a plausible setting for a minor royal scandal. The optional four-seat Executive Lounge came with a full-length center console, a detachable tablet serving as redundant controls for the rear seats and sunshades, and enough buttons to land a 747 from the rear armrest. Forget “new car smell.” BMW offered a cabin fragrance dispenser diffusing exclusive aromas like “Golden Suite No. 2,” a name that sounds like either an AI hallucination or a lost Bond film. The panoramic moonroof did not merely open to the sky. BMW recreated the sky in the glass with fiber-optic stars, making every night drive an occasion for private cosmology and quietly one-upping its own Rolls-Royce brand’s starlight headliner. For good measure, BMW threw in four-wheel steering, because if you are going to hurl 4,900 pounds of luxury through a roundabout, the rear axle might as well be complicit.
It is not just that nobody asked for a car like this. BMW already offered the Alpina B7 for buyers who wanted a ballistic luxury limousine and the M5 for drivers who needed a proper sports sedan. Every V12 sedan BMW had built before this was simply a luxury car: always fast, usually driver-focused, but not pretending to be an M car. For over a decade BMW watched AMG “65” models with twin-turbo V12s and shrugged. No one, inside or outside Munich, was calling for a twelve-cylinder 7 Series with M branding. The logical move would have been to let the 760Li fade out quietly as a pure luxury sedan, a discreet and whisper-quiet finale for the faithful. Naturally, BMW gave the last V12 sedan the most extravagant and unhinged send-off it could imagine.
Why is the M760i this high on the Absurdity Index? Because it combines real engineering achievement with a vanishing social use case. It is too serious to be a joke, too pointless to be rational, and too good to dismiss. The M760i is not just the end of an era. It is the punchline delivered after everyone else had left the room. Sometimes, the answer to “why?” is “to win.”